I have no idea what kept me from feeling it, but something inside of me did. I kept myself locked in a cage of my own making, and chained myself to old habits and old ways of thinking. Between T and talking with my college friends this weekend, I finally figured it out.
I have no idea how to really love myself. I thought I did. I get massages, I talk about my feelings, I do activities I like to do. But, at the core of how I operate in many of my relationships is a deep deep well of unrequited love for myself. I was seeing with eyes that were not seeing the truth, and feeling with feelings that were not going deep enough to really feel the truth.
The realization was absolutely astounding. I am still taking breaths to try to figure out what the hell to do now.
The realization is that T has been actively trying to love me, showing me on a daily basis he loves me, and I haven’t gotten it at all, was a deeply sad thing to acknowledge. I am a word person and I thought he needed to tell me how he feels with words. He isn’t mute, he uses words, he’s just very direct with them and actually means every word he says.
But his true way to show me he loves me is to do things and to create a physical and emotional space for me to just be myself. The act of love that finally made me confront knowing I have such deep unknowing of what love actually is happened only hours ago. I asked if he was willing to be with me, as I figured out how to be loved and how to love myself. And he just said, “come home.” That was all he needed to say and the floodgates came open for me. I drove home highly emotional and activated toward change.
I had bought an audio recorder on the way down, because I knew I had some things to work out and to say to myself, and I taped myself weeping and talking to myself for 45 minutes. And I admitted to myself all the things I’d done to sabotage my relationship by placing blame instead of just saying what I wanted. I chose over the last year to defer my opinions and thoughts way too often, and that choice created deep resentment, anger and blame in me that I directed right at him. And naturally he got defensive and mad. Who would blame him?!
None of it was anyone’s fault but my own. And it’s up to me to take the next steps into a much more happy and healthy way of loving myself and loving T.