Decide to do it.

Beginning in March 2018 I made a decision. I made a decision to not live how I’d been living for another single solitary second.  I was tired of the seconds. I was tired of thinking that I didn’t have what I needed, I was sick of lack mentality.  IMG_7619

I had no idea how to get myself out of my shitstorm that was living in my heart and my head and clouding all the possibility that lay before me. I was in therapy. I went to self-help groups. I was going to church every week and desperately praying for answers. I was talking to spiritual people. I got my tarot cards read, my palms/energy/aura read, I bought Mala beads. I got massages, I talked to beautiful friends that are so much more patient with me than I am.

In the first week of March I met with an astrologer that did my star chart. She told me some things about myself that I wasn’t really aware of. One of the things she told me was that my money house was totally wrapped up in some super negative major self-defeating energy, and that I came to this earth as a spirit stamped with that particular history. It was astounding. She also told me that I am an exceptionally intuitive person, an open receiver, and that I’m always going to be able to feel emotions easily in myself and those around me, if I remain an open receiver. She and I talked for two hours, an hour past the alloted time for the reading. It was mind blowing and life-altering. She told me if I continued to do the work I’d already been doing for the last 3 years, that in early 2019 I’ll be a completely different person.

In only 3 months I already feel like a totally different person. And it’s just the beginning of whatever this chapter will bring.

I have been listening a lot of podcasts, books on Audible, have talked to influential people in my life, and have generally been soaking up all the high vibes I can possibly soak up.

Podcasts are kind of a game changer. The one that has changed me the most is Cathy Heller’s “Don’t Keep Your Day Job” It is simply blowing me away. Her guests are all creative entrepreneurs that have found fulfilling lives by aligning their gifts and values with what their passion is and then giving their highest self back to the world. They all say the same thing:

It’s so simple, really. Be yourself at your absolutely most true and authentic. And then the universe and higher power will align to give you what you want.

People, I have been reading self-help books and going to therapy and seeking for over 20 years. I remember when it started vividly. It was my 24th birthday. I felt super melancholy and unhappy and I went to the gold rush foothills of California for the weekend, alone. This was the first of the many decades to follow of times I took off on my own in soul searching desperation. 

I was just married. I graduated college in May 1994,  6 weeks later got married in a fairy tale wedding paid in large part with my student loans.  I started my first real job in July.  And then there was the sinking realization that I wasn’t really happy. There wasn’t a magic payoff meeting all those life goals in one busy summer. None of it filled me up like I expected it to. Naturally, I decided we had to have a baby. Now! Let’s make a baby! And yes, I had a baby. And when she was 2 1/2, I chose to quit the job (I was in the middle of grad school) and my life for the summer and with my kind husband’s blessing, ran away to Europe for a month. I came home scared at what I had learned about myself and what I really wanted and decided we had to make another baby. Both children cherished and loved and chosen. But also born to a mother that was not giving her 100% self to them because she didn’t know accept and align with her 100% self. I was actively wanting to be different and feel different, and yet ignoring everything my higher self/God/the universe was telling me.

For 24 years I have been seeking and searching for answers. I kept thinking the next goal was the holy grail. I kept holding my hands out, letting them be filled with what fell from the sky, leftovers (literally) instead of pushing through the weeds and taking what I wanted.  I know that sounds totally violent and counter-intuitive to what I believe in and usually talk about.

It’s not. It is the truth. We set our own worth. We decide what we want in our lives, and we let it in in the form we decide to accept it. We won’t accept or even see things we don’t think we deserve. I didn’t think I could ask for more than what I had as a young bride and new college grad. After graduation I made this super brave decision to buy a car that I felt I could afford, and actually could with my new salary, but then also chose to have a baby that made my employment shaky for the year after she was born. So later I had to give the car back, humiliated and bankrupt.

Here’s the kicker-we have to make a choice to just do it, to keep going, no matter what, and no matter who tries to get in our our way. I let plenty of people and self-defeating ideas get in my way. I let a complicated marriage, a sick parent, kids (at every stage of their life cycle), job responsibilities, school, student loans, a deaf and blind dog, a bad back, bad knee, a cat with diarrhea, not having inside laundry, a long commute, blah blah blah, block me from what I wanted, which was to live a life in alignment with who I am and the gifts I have to give to the world.

I still don’t really know what the gifts I have to give back are. I know, you’d think those 24 years of living in and devoting myself to the self-help and self-improvement genre would have taught me what that is. I’m pretty sure it’s just me. Me, my story, my experience. No one else is me. And no one else is you. There is no one on this planet that has your exact you-ness. And that is why we were put here on this planet, to be ourselves, our highest selves, vibrating positive energy into the collective happy world.

I love you, friends.


1 thought on “Decide to do it.

  1. Thank you for Sharing Jen! I love your you-ness! xoxox

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