There are things that our mind cannot control or guide. I know this, intellectually. I am a big fan of trying to control things with my brain. That is kinda funny, because the irony is staring me in the face.
I can’t control things. All I can control is myself. Yet, I am so driven by my will and my mind that I don’t know what to do. I think I can make things be how I want them to be, and in many ways that’s true. And then there are other people…
I got a massage today. My massage therapist is the most intuitive person I’ve ever known. She calls me out on my shit more than any psychologist ever has. She told me I was stuck in some pretty powerful stuff, and that I need to stop letting my mind take control of everything. I have to get out of my head, basically, and pay attention to my body. My neck was full of tension. She worked on my neck and shoulders and back for a long time, then went down to my hips and then back up to my neck. All the tension she’d just tried to release was already back in my neck. IT WAS INSANE. It was like I took a breath and it was gone, I took a breath and it was back.
I have never known how to be in my body. My body has screamed at me louder than a tantruming 2 year old at different times in my life, and I have still tried to ignore it. I will never forget a time I was at work at Purple Crayon Art Studio, a studio for kids, and I couldn’t really stand up or walk. I had to sit against the pillar and try to will my back to not seize. My boss called her chiropractor. I went to the chiropractor. He was a nice man, and he put a heat lamp on my back. I realized after 6 months the therapy wasn’t working at all, but what was good was the attention and the heat lamp his nurse put on my back prior to being adjusted.
So. All I know about myself is that I am a total mess. I am a glaring mistake, a huge overcompensation, a purple blemish. I am also a hug. A letter from a friend. A kiss, an eagle soaring in the wind. I am a mess and a perfect storm. I am me.
I am me.
I wouldn’t wish my contradiction on anyone. There is too much there to take. As I was being worked on by my massage therapist I was literally doing the same kinds of breath work and calming that I did when I birthed my babies-very focused on feeling the pain and then breathing through it. It was not a “pleasant” massage. She was trying to finally after over a year of working on me, to get some stuff to GO.
It won’t go yet. It’s because I’m holding it in tight with my head. My psyche won’t release the stranglehold.
I foresee myself doing yoga on my future deck.
I foresee myself writing and being able to travel and work at the same time.
I foresee myself swimming in the warm surf of Bali or Hawaii and being free.
I foresee myself being me, raw, raw, raw, and no one caring.
MOST OF ALL, I won’t care.
I’m not there yet. I have faith I will make it there, even though it seems impossible today.