Fortune Friday: I’m changing how I relate to money emotionally

Fridays are about Money, honey.

It can make me feel like I want to curl up in fetal position and cry. It can create powerful emotions in me and everyone around me. I AM TIRED of letting my demons about money take over my happiness. I don’t want to write about money at all. BUT I know I must, because it scares me.

So one thing I can to is to talk about how much I’ve spent and how I’m saving. Sure, I could do that. I could talk about paying my bills, and how doing that on time or early is a really good practice.

I could talk about how I bought this book at SFO to read while I’m here, and I will read it. 51x4-Cn98UL._SX342_ YOU ARE A BADASS at Making MONEY

I could talk about how Tom and I have taken on a huge financial challenge with this house and it’s been a hard thing to work through. We are doing okay, and we will be okay. But some a lot of our conversations over the last year have been tense an clouded with money stress that makes both of us want to hide. I don’t want to be doing any kind of communication with my lovely boyfriend that makes either of us want to run and hide.

So.

I need to work on my attitudes. I’ve already felt a little shift, about 3 months ago when I started this blog. There is NO WAY to bring good things into your life if you don’t think you a.) deserve them, b.) think you are incapable of manifesting good things, and c.) you talk shit about those things all the time.

Like Jen says in this book, and her other book, “You are a Badass,” which I have already read and kinda changed me: if you keep having feelings like money is bad and negative and gross and scary-well-it will stay that way. She likens it to saying to a person, and has written letters to money. She jokes and suggests writing a letter to money. Hers was hilarious. Here’s mine that I just wrote for myself just now. It’s eerily like how I’ve felt about Money.

“You’re so complicated, Money, and I don’t like how I feel when you’re not here for me. Yesterday I needed you and there was none of you in my bank account. I got charged $32 in overdraft fees for not having enough of you, and it made me really mad at you and really ashamed.  I don’t understand why you can’t just be here for me whenever I need you.  I know when I have a lot of you I’m laissez-faire with your emotions, and sometimes don’t pay attention to you. Sometimes I left you drift away, and sometimes I lend you to someone else and never get you back. I know there was that time I cheated on you with my friend’s Money, and then I didn’t gave her Money back to her for over a decade. I know that made you feel bad, and you didn’t trust me. It made me feel bad, too, that I’d treated you that way, and her Money.

I wish we could be more happy together, Money. I wish we had dates where we sat down and talked about you and made plans to bring more of you into my life.  I am selfish, I know. I like to talk only about myself, and usually I don’t talk about it with you. I also complain about you all the time to my friends, about how you’re not enough, and also how hard you are to keep around, and how little of you I have.

I can be better, Money. Will you please let me try again?”

Sounds like a pretty fucked up relationship, doesn’t it?

It is. I promise it is a big mess, and it’s all in my hardwiring messages about money and what it means. I mean, even here on vacation in Mexico I’m sometimes feeling super guilty for having it and for being able to use it. I CALL BS. I can just be grateful and make some financial decisions and plans that allow me to share my fortune with those less fortunate in a much more meaningful way than me feeling guilty. Guilt is useless. How amazing would it feel to be able to write a check to organizations that I support for more than $25 once a year? It would feel AMAZING.

Actually thinking about Money as my boyfriend makes it much easier to talk about. I love my human boyfriend more than anything. SO, if I think about how much I love my Money Boyfriend, well, ya. I do. A lot.

Hey Money, I love you!

Okay, Money? I promise to sit down and talk to you just about you and me and US,  ASAP. We’ll get on the bill pay tomorrow morning and just take care of you for a while. <;

 

 

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