I was setting up my workshop studio for my class participants yesterday and it hit me how big this was. I felt giddy. I could feel the energy pulsating in me. I was alive, happy, full of joy. It was the most amazing feeling.
God is sneaky. We’re let loose on this planet to figure things out, and we struggle and suffer and make demands and cry and thrash and get wounded. We keep pushing to attain and to understand and to reach the summit.
We never seem to quite get it, the journey is not something we can push.
It’s quite funny, really.
I’m just sitting with this stunned feeling. I look back on the last 5 years of my life and the significant pain I’ve lived through. And then I look at where I’m at now. There has been pain and joy and delight and disgust all along. Then and now.
In the past I was always struggling with unrest and feeling out of place and disconnected. I never felt quite right even if I felt comfortable. Then I slipped into “resigned,” a bland acceptance of living a life I didn’t want in the way it had turned out.
Comfortable and resigned are not my happy place.
I’m still building my connections. I still need to work on that. Sometimes I look at this place and Tom and the trees and our life and wonder how this all happened. It blows me away. It’s NOT all easy. We struggle quite a bit with communicating, but we make it work.
What has changed, really, is me. I know more about myself than I ever have. There is so much freedom in knowing that I don’t have to always have all the answers and that I can just have faith that if I keep being authentic to myself, things will work out in the way they need to.
What a blessing, to see the mountain in front of me and know that I don’t have to rush. I can just climb it, as per usual, with one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
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