I cried a lot today out of joy. It was exceptionally intense and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to work. I get embarrassed for people to see me cry. I’ve spent so much of my life hiding my tears, so I don’t like to let others see it. It’s a vulnerable mountain I’m still climbing.
I hadn’t eaten, and so decided to drive into McDonald’s to get lunch on the way to work. The drive through voice was so kind and sweet and jokey that I knew immediately she was an angel on earth. She just beamed out love and joy and was delighted to be doing exactly what she was doing. When I got to the window she was covered in tattoos and wearing an Irish pub sweatshirt, not a single McDonald’s insignia on her. God put her there to help me today. She clearly was of another place, and the love she sent me was deeply appreciated.
I was crying all morning because I sent Tom love letter via email after he left this morning. I deeply just felt like I had to explain to him how much I love him and what happens when I go to the dark side. No joke intended.
When I’m dark and down I’m always occupied with battling some of my own beasts. Sometimes they masquerade in my emotion vision with your likeness.My beasts are always waiting with pitchforks. Eventually I’ll transform them into growth and they will make nice photographs to remind me of where I used to live inside of myself.
It’s a new place for me-to love so much and to be so vulnerable. It’s where the best things in life are, but we were all taught to avoid pain, and to strive for “happiness” at all costs. That’s not how emotions work.
I remember teaching my students this two years ago. I drew a poster with emotion cartoon faces experiencing different feelings. I talked with them about each feeling. And then we talked about how it’s possible to have multiple feelings at once. Sweet little kiddo says “You can’t feel more than one at the same time, Ms. Fogerty!” And when I explained that yes, sweetheart. You can. It blew her and my whole class away.
So yes-the joy I was feeling was real joy. There was definitely pain alongside it and a great deal of overwhelmed and anxious, too. I said hi to my feelings and cried. And told myself “get it together,” which is NOT productive when you just need to feel your feelings! My McDonald’s angel helped reframe my whole day. And after I drive away eating fries I could feel how the feelings were there but they weren’t consuming me.
The prayers I had been saying in the form of my written love letter and then my talking aloud to myself about everything Tom means to me were heard. And I was sent a helper to make sense of it.
Beloved-Be Loved in Love. Our life’s work is to find our joy and our love. And when we are flowing with our joy and love it can create angel energy for others. Your happiness and contentment will beam out and make people feel better.
Be love on high volume today. Be all the love all the moments. Love like it’s your last day. Love so hard it fills some dark corners inside of you.
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