I got really behind this weekend because frankly I was an emotional mess. I can’t write when I’m off. And I usually get off when I make major emotional mistakes with the people in my life. I just struggled non-stop.
I’m writing this Tuesday. I am reflecting on what I experienced and what I’m working through, and I have identified some deeply entrenched patterns I have to work with.
I’ve been so busy with side jobs that I haven’t worked on my business. I haven’t done anything to better my situation. The house getting finished ended some sort of deadline attitude in me, and somehow passion for it went into hibernation. I feel out of my body, out of touch, disconnected.
I believe in everything my business stands for. But what does it stand for.
I believe in everything my relationships stand for-but what do they really stand for.
I feel settled and part of a place, but I feel like it could go away at any time.
In short I just feel like my compass is not working. I don’t have any direction but teaching Kindergarten. That place-thank God-is a place that makes sense to me. I know what is expected, what I’m supposed to be focusing on, and the kinds of things I’m required to do. I know how to help little humans understand themselves. I know how to explain concepts in 15 different ways. I know how to set up classrooms that are effective and meaningful for all of my students.
But I don’t know how to calm myself down. I don’t know how to not take things personally in my love life, or how to not be reactionary when I’m attacked. I don’t know how to not spiral to the 15th possible outcome when I hear bad news. I go straight to my amygdala every time.
Honestly-I have not always been this way. There were many years in my marriage to my kids’ dad that his calmness and centered way of going about the world rubbed off on me. He helped me to put things into perspective. And sometimes he made me batshit crazy. But the balance of our energies was helpful when I was spooling.
I don’t know how to do a lot of emotional things that I genuinely believe I should have mastered by now. And then the more I study about meditation and mindfulness, the more I realize that it is a life’s journey and that is unreasonable for anyone. Just start with where you are. Adjust. Adjust in the way you can, even if it is microscopic. It is still change towards your new way of being.
I know I’m adjusting and changing. But I feel stuck because the micro changes are not illuminating new ways of being yet. They are just helping steer me in the new way. I’m nauseated by how hard this is.
All I can do is force myself to wake up, put on clothes and be clean, and go spend time with the little people that are on the same path as me. I teach them to pay attention, and I then do the same for myself.
I am also a kindergartener. I am new. With the wrapping still on.