- I wrote a romance novel and released it on Amazon in February of 2017and sold like 4 copies but gave away about 40.
- I blogged on tinyempire.com for 6 months and then lost all my steam at the end of our remodeling process.
- 6 months after that, I started theywereborndragons.com to talk about teaching and my personal process.
- Now I just don’t know what any of it is about anymore.
Am I just destined to be a seeker for life? What am I possibly offering my audience?
In everything I read it talks about how I’m serving my audience. How am I giving back? Who is this work for? Am I giving them (YOU) what they want?
I have been really struggling with what everything means. Why am I being called to try new things all the time? Why am I so unsettled? Why am I always feeling antsy and like I have to try a new thing?
It’s not like I need all the latest tech or the latest car or educational fad. I actually HATE FADS and stay away from them like the plague. I instinctively go the opposite direction. Once I got past faddism in 10th grade, I stopped giving a shit. Honestly. I remember my senior year of high school wearing long skirts and long johns and t shirts with big sweaters and my squeezing into my mom’s Birkenstocks, and NOT CARING what other people thought AT ALL. It was so radical, I can actually still remember the day it hit me and how I felt walking in to Fall River High School in the snow. I had just had to spend my jr. year living back in Montana, in the Yaak, teaching myself my own school and sending my paper tests back to Indiana to be graded. I finished jr. year the week before my sr. year started. I guess that year of solitude and learning about myself was probably the the most transformative experience I had until I had my first baby.
But I digress.
I do actually care if people read this blog, and if I am delivering content that makes any sort of difference, shift, smile, knowing nod. I do actually care that I am engaged in a dialogue with people that helps them find their best selves. I do actually care that I am on the right path.
I keep pulling my tarot cards, and sometimes when I’m busy, I do them online.
Here’s what I got today, online:
Self: 9 of Pentacles: ready to enjoy my riches
Situation: 3 Wands: A solid leader, looks to the future and stands strong
Challenges: 7 of Cups. Must make a decision but some of them are pitfalls.
I’m just so stumped. I’m just gonna keep on keeping on.
I wish I had more energy in me to write a really nice essay for you and make some great connections and make you think and ponder and want to read my blog some more. But I have a beer and a piece of pizza and after working for 10 hours today, I just want to watch some TV.
That’s me. I want to serve. But I also want to be allowed to be human.
Life is really hard.
I mean this with no pun or joke intended.
Life is actually really hard.
Every second we choose to show up for other people is really really huge. I showed up for my church tonight and participated in an exercise class with two other people. I led a few yoga stretches in my totally naive haventbeeninayogastudioin15years way.
But I showed up for my friends in the class because I love them. I just wanted to drive in my car and cry, to be honest. But I showed up for them. And then I came home and showed up for Tom and smiled at him and kissed him and folded bath towels and wiped off a counter. And I picked apples and grapes from my orchard for snack for my students because I told them I would. I fed my chickens. I petted my dogs.
I made myself do all these things today, and once I was doing them, they weren’t so bad. So.
Maybe whatever is coming for me-whatever the fuck hell God in its infinite wisdom is sending to me-will be not so bad, either.