I was reading my journal from Mexico this evening and reflecting on the personal growth I’ve done since then. It’s astounding. The things I’ve learned about myself since then, even things I didn’t expect to pop up, have become new parts of who I am. I’ve shed so much outdated and unneeded source material and I’ve created a whole new outlook on what is important to me. But this new place is the place of germination. The little plant me has no idea how to deal with being a plant. I’m the crescent moon. I’m the seedling. I’m the newborn. I’m the Kindergartener.
I don’t know how to navigate this new place, I just know that it is the exact right place to be. I know I used to be something else, and now I’m this new thing. It makes me think about Kindergarten birthdays. I borrow a tradition we used at Playmates Cooperative Preschool in San Francisco where my daughter attended and I was Director/Teacher. The children “jump” from the land of 5 to the land of 6 (and other permutations depending on the year and the child). I ask them, “will you ever be five ever again?” They are so delighted to say “NO! I WON’T!” The parent witnessing this may have a lip tremble. When I watched my own precious daughter do this at 3-4, 4-5, 5-6, I was maybe just a little bit teary.
I suppose Kindergarteners are mostly excited about growth and change and new. The new backpack, outfits, and lunchbox are intoxicating and make them excited. However, there are parts that slightly terrify them. The new big school, the bus, the new teacher with new ways, and the impossibility of going to a school for 7 1/2 hours a day away from their parent(s) (plus travel time) is really scary. No matter how much they are excited about the new accessories and new potentials, they are also pretty scared.
I’m pretty scared, too.
I’m scared of what the change in my new way of being is going to continue to bring. Maybe it’s bringing financial success-something I am COMPLETELY NOT USED TO. I think buying my truck and our trailer deal finalizing, and finishing our beautiful house on land has stressed me out a LOT. Not because of the mortgage or monthly payment is bigger. (We can afford it)
But– in some deep dark way, I don’t really think I deserve any of it.
I often don’t think I deserve Tom, either, and I know I sabotage my relationship with him often because I’m scared to let him love me like he does. It’s hard to accept that he loves me unequivocally. He has no reservations or caveats. He just loves.
In my terrified and scared way, sometimes I would rather sit in the dark cloudy misery than in the glow of the crescent moon letting the little seedling grow.
The messages I come back to over and over are having faith in the journey of growth, and to heed the call to change when I’m being asked to.
I’m so attached to clear cut “DO THIS” messages. But God doesn’t work that way at all. God just sends us riddles. It’s so infuriating sometimes.
But then we get messages like my current health scare. I had some sort of neurological event…and that’s all we know. I go for a neurology consultation on Monday. All my labs were 100% normal. The Unknown is not comforting to me.
Maybe sometimes we are just not meant to know. We are meant to meditate (pray) on the message and just let the answers come to us when they come. We are not always meant to walk this world like wise owls.
Speaking of owls.
My co-worker Leah told me about this AMAZING channel on YouTube called Cosmic Kids Zen Den. This woman Jaime is like the most brilliant of brilliant. She’s genuinely gifted. My students just melt into her accent, her prepared environment, her just entire way of being.
Her way of explaining the amygdala as a Guard Dog and the prefrontal cortex as a Wise Owl is basically the best explanation for this I’ve ever heard.
I always go to the explanation for kids first. When I learn a new skill like guitar or knitting-I look at books on how to teach kids. It’s distilled into the most important elements without fluff, and makes accommodations for attention spans. I think I’m even going to play this video in my Choose Your Own Gratitude Adventure for Teachers workshop in November. I know they’ll respond to it!
Here’s Jaime and her amazing video. ALSO, she has a jillion of them. Her yoga videos are stories with movement-sheer genius.
I told my class today that I had a problem with my brain. I told them that I was having some problems that my Dr. was helping me with, and that I’m struggling with headaches (I am) and that it’s making me feel kind of worried and sick and sad sometimes. I told them it’s not something they can catch, but that I was needing their help to be healthy. I was asking them to try to be quiet during free choice instead of mind-numbingly loud like they have been lately. They themselves said, “Your Guard Dog is out! You need to count to ten!”
I’m not kidding. They’d seen the video once, and they were giving me a lot of great advice. I was really proud of them. I asked, “do you think I should watch it right now?” “Yes,” they said. It was pretty funny after watching when one of them said, “um, you know we still need to do free choice, right?” Later one said, “you should do free choice, too, you’d like it.”
With that, I’m leaving you with this, I’m going to try to stay out of Guard Dog brain for the rest of the week. And I’m going to do some free choice.
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