I started this blog 8 months ago. I didn’t know what I was doing or planning, I just felt driven to write it down. I was just looking through my blog and writing down blog titles and I had to stop half way through August because my hand was getting tired. I was worried I’d repeated myself and said the same things over and over. I haven’t printed the whole thing out and read it piece by piece, but if the blog titles are any indication, it’s mostly new, most of the time.
Wow. I’m proud of this blog and of what I’ve discovered here. Thank you for reading, thank you for giving me feedback online and in person. It still stops my in my tracks when someone pulls me aside, or emails, or PMs or walks by and says “I just love your blog, it resonates.”
THANK YOU. Thank you so much for being here with me along this 8 month journey. It’s not stopping. I want to write a another book, though. Well, several. I want to write a book that is something like what I have written here, but I still don’t know what it will look like. It will happen, and it will be out there, and I will have a book that is printed on paper and in bookstores and you can go into Barnes and Noble or your favorite independent and buy it. I predict this will happen by 2021. I know it’s going to. I just do.
I took today off from school because I had to go see the neurologist to talk about my brain. And my possible seizure. I’m trying not to talk about it. My neurologist is a character. He was a dork straight out of Big Bang Theory. He was very professional and very scientist-y and had funny little quirks. But, he had no conclusive thoughts about what’s up with me. He said “maybe” about it being a “seizure.” He ordered an MRI, EEG, sleep study. I told him that I don’t handle stress well at all, and that I’m confident that stress is a big part of what’s up for me. He told me to try biofeedback, take melatonin, and use the bedroom for “relations and sleeping only.” He said he’d refer me to a behaviorist. I trusted him, he was real with me. He didn’t act weird when I said I’d had 3 beers the night before the event, he didn’t act weird when I talked about anything.
As for the tests, he joked, “it’s good to do these things at the end of the year, use up your insurance after deductible.” Hahaha I said, my deductible started over October 1. He said, “oh darn, sorry.” I shudder how much it is going to cost.
However, I’ve discovered is that money, in many ways, is smoke and mirrors. Buying a truck and trailer this month have shown me this yet again. I’ve signed my name to legal documents so many times, and the amount of them I’ve signed since with Tom in 3 years is more than what I signed with Will in 26. It’s stunning. What I’ve learned is that I’ve never been ruined. I’ve faced challenges, but I’ve always been ok. I have the privilege of being white middle-class, this I know. And I don’t take that for granted, I promise. I was raised by parents that didn’t teach me anything about money, though. They just didn’t want me to worry about it. As an adult I’ve experienced poverty and I’ve experienced wealth. I’ve always known or had the help to learn and grow from challenges and rewards. I will figure it out, it will be fine, it’s just money. Money is a tool that enables me to do what I want to do. It is simply an elaborate accounting system, this work with money. I just focus on making sure more comes in than goes out, most of the time.
OK MONEY BOYFRIEND–I am not discounting how amazing you are. You are my big love, and I appreciate how you take care of me. Thank you. But you are actually NOT my real human boyfriend, so…I appreciate you. But I won’t go down for you. Sorry. I hope you won’t let this come between us. And get your mind out of the gutter. I mean, you’re really just an instrument God has put in my life, so really, you’re kind of an angel and just fulfilling your purpose. So thanks. I really will try to do only good with the money you pour over me. I will use it to provide for my family and myself, and I will use this resource to write the words that help others live to their full potential and teach those same lessons in person, too.
I write this from Sweet Cheeks Winery. I am sitting here with my favorite glass of wine and some cheese curds, watching the rain and the hawks and writing on my laptop. The pines here are like Montana, and then I think about home. There are so many fruit flies that I have to put a piece of paper over my glass. Now I remember how Liam used to struggle with the maintenance of life, how we have to do the same things over and over, how we’re never done. I remember paying like $800 for a dental crown and then hearing that I will have to replace it in 20 years or so. Oh my goodness! It’s just insane how we go through life and our bodies and our lives need so much attention, but often all we want to do is hide in our cozy cocoons and stay away from the world. What a shocker, to be born and released onto this planet and be challenged with breathing lungs and a heart that explodes with love that can soothe or hurt.
I’m in a deep ramble because my feelings are all over the place today. I want to write a book, but writing to my readers is so much easier than opening up a blank Word document and writing to “others.” I guess that’s my answer: write to my readers. I’ll write for you, friends, I will. I want to write what you need, what will help you and guide you to being your best selves in your best life. I know I’m no expert, but my particular combination of experiences has given me a way to help by being a witness and a mirror.
Thank you for being here on my journey.