I feel like a fraud lately, this person that is going to present at a conference, this person that is saying they are a professional. I have a deep sense of knowing that it is going to be okay, but I also keep sabotaging myself when I sit down to plan for my presentation. I write two or three minutes and want to bolt. I’m terrified to do this conference.
I met with a mentor Monday after my Dr. appointment and he said, “so, what do gratefulness and mindfulness mean to you?
Gratefulness. Gratitude. Mindfulness.
They are all the same thing to to me.
To be grateful is to acknowledge the vast gifts and bounty that are given to us every day, to give thanks. Showing gratitude is the same thing. And mindfulness is bringing awareness and presence of mind to the current moment. Bring awareness to the current moment.
Bring Awareness. To. The. Current. Moment.
It’s so hard. So hard. I get caught up in everything in my path and I let everything get in my way. It’s like when someone says “count all the green you see around you.” You are suddenly transfixed by all the green. And then they ask “how many blue things did you see?” You obviously saw plenty of blue, but your mind did not comprehend it, because you were fixated on counting all the green. You have no idea how much blue there was.
It makes me think what it would be like to be inside a video game, having useless distractions around you, things to cloud your focus, when really, your end goal is to conquer the battle and win. But the seduction of the quick release, the false rewards, the flying donuts are too great to resist and we go off our path. We spend time in the wrong jobs, the wrong relationships, or repeat the same cycles over and over again because we’re letting ourselves be distracted by the lotus eaters.
I feel this way about the 20+ years I’ve spent reading self-help, psychology, spirituality, religion, behavioral science, and going to talk therapy, physical therapy, spiritual guides. You name it, I’ve tried almost all of it. The thing is, and I have only just realized this…there is nothing any of that truly does to change a person. I have to want to change. I have to want to do the work, I have to want to break free from old baggage. I have to choose a new life for myself.
The biggest realization of all is that I would rather get into my head and analyze and problem solve through the words and philosophies of great minds than spend time actually figuring out my unique circumstance. I would rather intellectualize the concepts than actually do the nitty gritty work on my own self.
It takes guts to do this work; a lot of silence, a lot of thinking and solitude. It’s really hard. I would so rather not. I’d rather read about it, and be all filled with angst about my massive shitstorm than go into the dark tunnels of what my mind might process.
I’m so unsure about a lot, but I know that writing is one of the things I have to do. It’s how, I realize, that I process all the pent up Kindergarten angst of the day and matches my own angst so much it’s startling. I know I need to keep doing this, and just keep doing it.
When I went to the neurologist he told me that he has people start with meditation and yoga when they are stressed. I wanted to shout “HEY DOC, I KNOW THAT. I KNOW. I JUST CAN’T GET MYSELF TO GET IT TOGETHER TO ACTUALLY DO IT!” I probably smirked at him or rolled my eyes.
At this point, I know it’s a path between health and death. I know that I’d better figure out a way to deal with stress before it kills me.
I researched some guided meditations on YouTube and I think I’ll start there. And I’ll do them the hour before I go to sleep, a time I know will be calmer than trying to do first thing in the morning. The one I found is for 10 minutes. I listened to it for about 5 seconds today.
That is not meditation, you may say. But it’s better than not trying at all folks.