My brain is fine.
There is a 9mm cyst on my pineal region, and it is “inconsequential” and has nothing to do with the “event” I had in October. The worst this cyst can do to me is cause problems with my upward eye gaze. Our brains are so amazing, there is a whole region for upward eye gaze, and it has nothing to do with vision. I think that’s funny. Anyway, it’s highly likely to never cause a problem in any way.
So I got to hang out with my very cool neurologist that makes me feel like I’m hanging out with Dr. Amy from Big Bang Theory. He’s a total nerd, and I dig his awkward genius ways. He said “good brain” while reviewing my MRI slides. That was comforting.
More tests and monitoring to come, but I’m basically fine. I have symptoms related to extreme anxiety and heart complications. My heart is probably fine, too, but he’s going to keep an eye on that, too. But nothing that happened was because of my brain-unless it happens again and I need to get checked out for possible epilepsy at OHSU. I got a little sad, and asked him if I was clear for scuba diving, should I want to do a dive. He said, yes, for now I’m fine, but if there is a seizure issue, it would make it “more complex.”
I apologized for being complicated. Doc smiled and said “it’s okay, we’re all complicated.”
The short of it-in the event that happened, I may have had a sleeping panic attack.
I kept thinking about how much I depend on my brain, and that my brain and my intellect and creativity are my most valuable possessions. It felt a bit like a big cosmic message-that I might have a sick brain. That all the overthinking and overanalyzing I do about EVERYTHING might be making my brain literally sick. I was telling my students that my brain was sick, because what else was I going to say? And then when I had to be out yet again for tests/appointments, a kiddo said, “you’ve been absent a lot, Ms. Fogerty.” I realized that I’d better tell the parents what was going on with me, so their kiddos didn’t go home and say “Ms. Fogerty has a sick brain.” Who knows what THAT would lead to. Hahaha.
So my brain is not sick anymore, kiddos. It’s just experiencing a lot of stress. So, I’m going to do some really careful intentional practice on stress and anxiety prevention. We all live with it, and it affects our bodies on a cellular level. For reals. This video clip is a great video to watch to understand how the hypothalamus sends out chemicals to our cells when we have emotional states. What the Bleep Do We Know: Emotional Response
I’ve had to watch this video over and over and over because it’s so complicated.
I’m taking the Holiday Council class again this year, and one of the activities is finding a word that will guide our year, and 5 ways of being. I’m struggling with this. In 2016 my word was “grace and serenity” for 2017, and that is hilarious because it was anything but serene. But it sure was filled with grace, so much so that I got a tattoo on my arm to remember. Last year my theme was “Replenish” for 2018. And I really really did replenish as much as I could. I replenished and I grew and I went into deep depths in myself.
It was a cakewalk. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’m not finished.
So I’m still thinking about my word. Maybe “balance,” because I’m going to be starting new projects and I’ll be working my buns off. Balance so I put in my actual planner time for myself. Or maybe it is “pause” so I can remember to pause and be calm and meditate. Maybe it is “calm,” or “peace,” or “breathe”. Maybe it’s “drink water,” because I’m seriously dehydrated at work. Or maybe it’s “selfcare.”
I’m not sure. I’m not ready to commit to a word yet. My overthinking and overanalyzing brain isn’t done.