I need friends.
I feel like a life mess up. And I feel like I’m shaking apart a lot of of the time. I spend so much energy on calming myself down, and sometimes I really struggle with doing so. I need the camaraderie of women that get me and I can call and will talk me down off the cliff. I need friends that I won’t feel like I’m bothering, and I need many.
I lost a lot of my close women friends when I divorced. And while I tried to maintain these relationships, most were a casualty of war. It’s not because my women friends, and most of them are still there, doing life, being friends from afar, stopped liking me. It’s just that when someone is going through a major life event like-pardon the comparison-cancer or divorce, people have no idea how to relate to you. So instead of not knowing what to day, they stop saying anything. They avoid you, and you feel the distance acutely when you are more in need of people to talk to than ever.
I am guilty of not knowing how to have friendships and an intimate love relationship that are maintained equally. I pour my whole self in, and the other relationships fail. It’s my dirty secret. That said, I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard people talk about how “men can’t be alone,” or “she has no women friends.” People participate in relationships in different ways based on how they are socialized, experience, and habits. When I was married, I spent once a week with my female friends, knitting. I did this for probably 10 years, and the friendships I made were people that are not practically family, and even though we don’t see each other very often, they are my family. My husband and I had a pretty good partnership, and the closeness factor ebbed and flowed between being closer to my female friends or closer to him. When he and I struggled, my friends helped make a space for me and let me air out my feelings. When I struggled with my friends, he was a calm force that helped me sort things out.
Here’s the part that is exceptionally hard to talk about. But I have to just say it because after almost two years of feeling this way, I feel like I’m unable to go on operating status quo.
Tom and I super struggle.
We struggle A.LOT. And he doesn’t think we struggle. I basically put myself into the same.narrative.as.my.ending.marriage. I keep it all in until it blows out, and he goes silent and says, “this is all because I didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher?” It’s never about the dishwasher or the dog poop or paying the bills or him forgetting to pick up his dirty socks off the floor. It’s always about emotional disconnect. Not talking. Resentment.
I don’t know how to keep disconnect from happening.
When we started remodeling houses (mind you, this is after only 6 months of dating…and I had justonlythissecond gotten divorced)(not ideal)(don’t be like Jennifer), we started especially struggling. I felt there were unsaid things and we were starting to build up resentment. I tried to voice things, but he got quieter, or much louder. I felt like I was doing something wrong, and I started to get really filled with doubt. We fought constantly. We still fight a lot. Much more than I am comfortable with.
So, I started to make myself into this partner/girlfriend/stepparent/maybewifesomeday character that I thought was the best for Tom and his girls. I was trying to please others heavily.
I really did not think about what I needed.
I stopped doing things with my friends, I started to do things that were important to him, listening to music that was important to him when I was with him, going to places he liked and seeing his friends. I started to feel more and more like what I was, and who I was, was not an okay thing. I felt like I had to create a character that was acceptable.
And the saddest thing, is that I made this situation myself.
I spend so many nights just crying. Shaking. Walking around my studio or the house or driving in my car just crying. I drink too much. I cry some more. I text him sad or angry and he texts me sad or angry back. I do my tarot cards, get my astrological chart read. I go to church, wear mala beads, I pray constantly. I listen to music that boosts me up, and podcasts, and I write this blog. I attempt at making my business really happen, but our relationship throws me off so easily I am months behind. I stopped writing tinyempire.blog when we started to go down hill. I started this blog to try to rescue myself and our relationship.
I don’t know if I can save our relationship. It is not only mine to save.
No matter what, I am definitely going to save myself.
This was exceptionally hard to write, to put out there, to admit. But I just have to do it. Please be gracious and offer your eyes as a witness, rather than commenting or assuming. But if you are available to be someone I can come sit with or talk with when I need an ear, it would really help.