Wild Card Wednesday: Who are we, really?

I struggle with who I am.

I mean, I gather there must be people out there that completely know who they are. They have no doubts or reservations, and their life is content in that knowledge. I mean, when I was with my husband I felt that way. A lot of the unknowns in my life were answered-I belonged to someone as their “official” spouse.

But right now, I float.

I know that I love to teach children. I got scared last school year that I was the worst teacher ever, and that I shouldn’t be with young people. A year later and a lot of reflection tells me that, no, I am actually good at this job. But having 29 Kindergartners and a lot of specific behavior needs coupled with a massively challenging personal life makes for a situation that is life on 1000x volume, and it’s okay that it was hard.

IT IS OKAY THAT IT WAS HARD FOR ME.

IT IS OKAY THAT IT WAS HARD.

I have felt guilty about that for a long time. That it was hard.

IT IS OKAY THAT IT WAS HARD.

My co-teacher DIED, people. She died. Before she died, she had to take an unexpected early retirement. And she got less than 6 months retired before her body quit, 14 years of fighting stage 4 cancer.

And my lovely co-worker that did the best she could possibly do was a first year teacher. AND she had 30 students and they were no easier than mine were. I started this blog at this time last year, and I got a little bit of a backlash about it then, because I was telling the honest truth about the shitty year I was having.

It is okay to talk about the stuff that is hard.

Life is not all peacock feathers and poetry readings. It is children throwing things across the room…including things you purchased with a lot of your own $ to “help” the classroom environment. Real life is realizing that your life is going at break-neck pace and you can barely breathe. Real life is saying NO and accepting the consequences.

It is so so hard for a people pleaser to say no. It’s not like they teach us this. We become people pleasers in large part due to our early home life experiences or early life experiences. It is a way to help make things hurt less because we think that controlling things a little will help us cope.

It always comes back to bite us in the butt.

We can’t control everything it turns out.

The only thing we have any control over is our own choices. How we choose to act, how we choose to react. How we choose to love. How we choose to eat, how we choose anything important.

Our choices are our only true autonomy in life. They are the only thing we are in charge of. It can be seen as restrictive or empowering, it’s up to you how you feel about that.

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